


Give Me a Love Like Him

by xxsilverlist



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, And emotional, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Inspired by Music, Late Night Conversations, M/M, Mentions of alcohol, ends loosely after 3x15, listen theyre both soft at 3am, no beta we die like men, starts around 3x03
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:00:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23879563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxsilverlist/pseuds/xxsilverlist
Summary: It’s easier to let go of rage when the beach sings you lullabies.California has never felt like home to Eddie until he had Buck with him on the open road, next to him.
Relationships: Evan “Buck” Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 21
Kudos: 138





	Give Me a Love Like Him

It’s 3:30 am and Eddie can’t sleep.

There’s a pounding in his head, an aching in his chest for something, anything… anyone. The shadows press in on him, carving out pieces of his soul. He bolts out of bed, darkness chasing him.

He’s pacing the house, a cold mug of tea in the kitchen; trying to will himself to go back to bed but he knows it’s not happening anytime soon.

Before he can put much thought into it, he picks up his phone and dials the only person he knows can shake off the shadows that cling to him.

He’s actually surprised when Buck picks up on the second ring.

“Do you want to go for a drive?” Eddie asks, already shoving his feet into shoes and reaching for his wallet and keys.

“Um sure,” Buck says sounding a bit amused but mostly tired. “Any reason for it?”

“I can’t… I can’t…” He trails off unsure what to say. That he’s feeling too much and wants to punch something, or he aches for something he knows he probably will never get. A feeling in his chest that he can’t decipher when he’s around Buck. “I can’t sleep man, and Chris is at a sleepover and I don’t go into work until—”

“Just get over here before I change my mind,” Is all Buck says and Eddie can hear the small smile on his face.

~

~

He doesn’t get the chance to knock on the apartment door before Buck is opening it dressed in a Henley and joggers, a thermos in his hand and a bag of cookies in the other. “Thought we’d need some coffee, you ready?”

“Yeah, you’re a lifesaver,” Eddie says grabbing at the cookies already walking down the hall.

Buck’s laughter echoes down the hallway, a bright sound that makes Eddie want to sink into. It settles into his body spreading down his back warmly.

He’d never get tired of that sound.

He drives aimlessly, no destination in sight; Eddie was okay with that. Buck was curled up in the seat next to him; one foot tucked underneath him watching the city pass them by in a blur of lights. Buck doesn’t seem to mind the rock music playing on the radio, nods along to a few songs. He stretches, shirt rising up enough to give an Eddie a glimpse of pale skin and he has to concentrate on dragging his eyes back to the road.

Buck sips at the coffee every now and then grimacing when he burns his tongue.

It makes Eddie laugh softly, reaching a hand out for the thermos. Buck passes it wordlessly, switching his feet around so he’s laying closer to Eddie.

Eddie gnaws at his bottom lip the tightness in his chest loosening with street sign they pass. There’s no shadows here, no darkness.

They drive in silence that first night.

It’s five am and the sun is beginning to rise.

Eddie falls into bed exhausted.

~

~

The next time they take off on a drive, Buck’s the one to call at one thirty in the morning while Eddie’s listlessly staring at the Netflix screen hoping the answers to all his infinite questions would roll across the screen like the credits to the movie he just finished.

“Hey,” Buck says quietly into the phone.

“Hey,” Eddie says just as quiet.

“Would you be up to another drive? It’s okay if you can’t, you probably have Chris.” Buck whispers. There’s that warmth in his chest consuming him.

Eddie stands, letting his feet lead him to the door automatically almost forgetting his shoes.

“No, Pepa demanded him for the weekend,” Eddie says half way out the door.

“Cool I’m here,” Buck says just as Eddie flicks his eyes up, Bucks’ jeep in his driveway the headlights beaming up and into him, blocking Buck from his view. “How does the beach sound?”

They drive quietly, Buck’s grip on the steering wheel tight. Eddie sighs burying himself deeper into the seats, they’re more comfortable then his trucks but he isn’t going to admit that to Buck out loud. He breaths in long and deep, trying not to make it obvious he liked the way Buck’s car smelled.

At the beach they sit in the trunk; their legs dangling off the edge and Eddie pays attention to the waves rocking in and out darkly.

_In and out._

Something about the cover of nighttime lets Eddie sink into his feelings, letting them grab hold of him and pull him under.

_In and out._

He’s shivering, the night cool despite the spring’s humidity. When did he start shivering?

“Should’ve brought a blanket,” Buck murmurs draping his jacket across Eddie’s shoulders.

And _oh._

~

~

There’s another time.

And another.

They drive.

Buck brings a blanket worn, smelling of him; soft to the touch and Eddie digs his fingers into it, a wave of something deep and satisfying washing over him.

They sit in silence.

It becomes routine.

They switch off driving, adding to the pile of stuff they bring each time they do.

Buck brings coffee. Eddie brings a small flask of whiskey to pour into their cups if nights are bad. He drinks it more than not, shadows still chasing him. Always chasing him lately.

There’s two blankets and extra socks in both their back seats.

Buck will bring cookies or cinnamon rolls sometimes; Eddie will buy them Slurpee’s or whatever takeout is open at 3 am. They eat, knocking shoulders together every few moments leaving Eddie like he’s touched the sun.

Most nights they drive in a silence that seems to lull them into exhaustion, but Eddie feels so, so much lighter after.

~

~

Sometimes the words tumble out their mouths like it’ll suffocate them if they don’t spit it out. Eddie thinks maybe it is suffocating him; the way the words stick to his mouth like honey, sadness choking him.

They talk about the near-death experiences and close calls at work.

They talk about heartache and letting down their families.

About love.

Eddie throws rocks at the ocean cursing everyone under the moon except Buck. Never Buck.

He doesn’t know when it happens but they start leaning on each other; brushes of their fingers against necks, gripping each other’s shoulders under the stealth of night. Buck pulls him into his arms when Eddie can’t rage at the ocean anymore and his chest is heaving and voice raw.

He’ll pull Buck to him when he starts crying. Tired of people leaving him; not understanding him.

Eddie wants to say I do, I understand.

Eddie feels too much, too little.

He needs a little more time, more time to process everything. He needs a little more or he’ll burn it out.

He sits across Buck one warm night and they’ve managed to find themselves at some hiking trail out of the city limits. It’s the furthest they’ve gone but Eddie wasn’t caring about the speed limit on the road, pressing harder on the peddle until Los Angeles was behind them. Now the were sat in the bed of his truck passing a beer between them.

Eddie glances at him and Buck is looking at him through his lashes, a look he reserves only for Eddie these days.

His breath catches in his throat and Eddie wants to lean in, close the space between them. He does, inch by inch. Buck follows one hand burning on his knee.

_Oh, Give me…_

“We should get going,” Eddie whispers instead, makes a lame attempt to pick up Buck’s jacket resting behind on the edge of the truck. He slips it on breathing in the scent, watching Buck’s eyes darken.

Buck nods and they drive.

~

~

One night they pick up Chinese food; a spread of dumplings, wontons, and noodles. There’s a lightness in them today and they joke around as they sit at the base of the observatory, eating; people watching.

Buck’s explaining some weird nature thing to him that he learned online, waving around a wonton. For some reason his eyes follow it, watching how Buck pops it into his mouth and grabs another. Eddie leans forward batting his eyes at Buck and opening his mouth. Buck gives him a look, cocking his head to the side and holding the wonton out.

Eddie shrugs and leans closer, into Buck’s space. Pushing his luck like he always did.

He couldn’t keep his eyes off Buck, still tracking his motions as he leaned forward holding out the wonton. Buck leans closer to him lips parting. Eddie follows, tilting his head down until Buck presses the wonton to his lips and he devours it in one bite. Fingers stilled pressed against his lips.

His lips press against Buck’s fingers harder and he lets his eyes fall shut for a moment as reaches for Buck’s hand, ghosting his lips over his palm.

Buck pulls back a deep flush coloring his cheeks going down his neck, going further. Eddie does the same putting distance between each other. Eddie clears his throat grabbing for his own takeout box. Their both breathing a little too hard, the mood a little too serious.

“Leave it to L.A to have Chinese food on deck at 1:30 am,” Buck says sounding a little rough as he pops another wonton into his mouth.

Eddie nods absently touching his lips with his fingers.

He misses Buck’s eyes following him, his breath catching.

They drive.

And drive.

Down the freeway, to the beach, all the way up to the hiking trails. They drive up and down L.A in silence most nights, trying to get out of their own heads. Eddie knows it helps, driving with Buck down L.A’s 405 the streetlamps illuminating them every few seconds. It helps him work through his anger, the intense feelings he holds inside of himself that are clawing to overspill in one choked up laugh.

Darkness clawing at his feet.

It’s easier to let go of the rage when the beach sings you lullabies.

Easier when your driving with the one person who just understands every fiber of your being without judging you for it.

Easier to let go of the pain that gnaws at him when he’s drinking spiked coffee sitting on a boulder after hiking up from where they left Buck’s jeep, Buck pressing his thighs and shoulder into him pointing out the constellations.

Lately there’s something in him craving more.

So, they drive.

It helps Buck too, Eddie notices.

He’s calmer more and more, still full of energy but more like something has settled in him.

The pain in his legs lessens, he tells Eddie one night, from all the walks on the beach and impromptu hiking.

There’s something fascinating watching Buck drop his carefully constricted guard down for Eddie. Shows him the many emotions that run deep under the cheery and helpful façade. Eddie yearns for it; to talk deeply with him at every moment of the day.

~

~

It comes in quiet moments.

They’ll be watching the waves in silence passing the thermos back and forth and Buck will say,

“I thought you would never forgive me for losing your son. I think a part of me will always want to make that up to you. I want to continue to make it up to you and to Chris.”

Or.

“I just want to get back on the job, its frustrating Eddie! Being benched, I feel like I’m goddamn useless and Bobby just sits there and tells me to be patient… maybe I don’t want to be patient anymore.”

Or he’ll yell, reaching to place a hand on Eddie’s shoulder, staring into Eddie’s eyes like he knows exactly what’s going on in his head. Can see it written on his face how much he’s come to care for the man, how much he wants to continue caring for the man. “Do you ever just question your place in the world? Your feelings, like the person you thought you were is not really you anymore? Do you ever question if it really will get better? That a person can change?”

_Oh no_ , he just wants to-- 

Those dig up something in Eddie, burning low in his belly and making his head spin. He feels every emotion and none. So, he’ll pull Buck close, their foreheads touching and breath in deep a few times until Buck’s breathing has evened out; he’ll place a barely there kiss to his forehead.

\--He just wants to hold him close.

He’ll pull back and see Buck’s eyes wide and glistening with unshed tears.

Eddie wants to kiss those tears away.

~

~

Most nights when they do this, they sit in silence. Heavy and comfortable, peaceful and loaded.

Buck has a blanket pulled tight around him, one leg hanging out the bed of Eddie’s truck his brows knitted together and jaw tense. Eddie knows that look, would know the tense lines of Buck’s shoulders and the constant tapping of his foot.

They both watch the waves and Eddie thinks if he wanted to talk about it, Buck would bring it up to him. No use in prying. No use in hoping.

Maybe he thinks it’s a trick of the moonlight that he sees Buck’s hand reach out for him, before pulling back into a fist.

Eddie knocks his head against the edge of the truck, cursing himself. His head is fuzzy, full of cotton and all he can think is; I feel the same.

~

~

Some nights he aches.

He aches to be close to Buck.

It’ll be his night to stare off into the distance, chewing on his bottom lip; his own foot tapping annoyingly. The shadows will be lurking in some near by corner waiting for him to trip, stumble, dive into them.

He aches and he rubs at his chest that emotion squeezing him until it hurts.

He can’t stop thinking. What would be like to just let yourself fall like that? To love so purely with your whole heart, it consumes you? Completely trusting the other person to not break your heart. To be content and happy. Not have rage and sadness swallowing you up every fucking minute of the day.

He reaches, tugging at Bucks’ arm. Because he still feels the same.

Buck comes to him willingly, saying nothing but raising a brow. Buck puts his arms around him, letting Eddie push or pull as he pleases. Eddie settles into him, rubbing his thumb over Buck’s hand over and over. Eddie is sometimes grateful that Buck doesn’t make him say it loud, doesn’t put that pressure on him yet.

If he wasn’t so afraid maybe he’d say it out loud.

~

~

Tonight, they have _agua frescas_ and tacos between them, they’re at some secluded part in the mountains; a first for them. The silence settles between them as they chat idly about work and Christopher, who is now asking Eddie when he can join them. Eddie knows he can only deflect so many times.

But he values these moments with Buck, pure unfiltered moments that’s for them only and no one else. Never anyone else.

Somehow, they talk about family again, but different.

Buck asks if Eddie will ever remarry and have more kids and its such a loaded question that Eddie isn’t sure how to answer, isn’t sure he wants to answer that question. Was there even an answer that didn’t involve Buck?

He sucks in a breath staring up at the night sky, stars settling around him.

He must take too long because Buck starts rambling, voice choked up.

“I want a family, to be part of a family that’s not the one-eighteen,” Buck whispers heatedly wiping at the tears in his eyes. “Create my own little family that will love me just as much as them.” He leans back against the truck’s rear windows glaring up at the stars. “A dog, cat whatever, kids all that.”

And that… just snaps something in Eddie and thank whatever god is up there that they’re alone because he doesn’t think when he swings his legs over Buck and straddles him, sitting back enough to stare Buck’s face. Those wonderful blue eyes he doesn’t mind getting lost in.

_My, my, oh…_

He grabs Buck’s hands tight, presses feather light kisses to his knuckles, “Evan, you are family. I consider you my family and so does Chris. _You have a family_.” It’s as close as anything to the words he really wants to say. Words stuck on the back of his throat like a bittersweet taste he doesn’t want to get rid of.

Buck nods brushing his lips against Eddie’s knuckles and Eddie moves, situates himself to where Buck is cuddled next to him the blanket is pulled over both of them.

Give me a love like him, he thinks glaring up at the stars. A half prayer.

“I almost sued the department,” Buck whispers so low Eddie strains to hear him. “But then the lawyer wanted me to not talk to you, air out your secrets and I couldn’t do that.”

Eddie sighs cradling Buck closer to him. “I almost started street fighting; I was supposed to go a couple Fridays ago, but you called and said ‘I’m sad, let’s go’ and I forgot all about it.”

They don’t say anything else.

~

~

For a while life gets in the way of their drives.

There’s so much work to be done that they both get home too tired to do anything else but send each other texts. Buck comes over sometimes, falling asleep halfway through a movie and snoring loudly. There’s that ache in his chest, cotton feeling in his head.

Christopher laughs and helps Eddie clean up, pulling a blanket over Buck.

In the morning Buck makes them pancakes, humming under his breath and Eddie just wants to wrap his arms around his waist and show him what being part of a family means. What it meant to be part of _this_ family.

He can’t seem to swallow that lump in his throat, feet frozen in place and the moment passes; broken by Christopher’s laughter and his phone ringing.

Everything’s the same but its heavier. Their looks linger over each other and they hold onto each other for a little longer. Chimney tells them to stop being mushy and all Eddie can manage is a weak glare. Buck laughs cocking his head at Eddie with uncertain eyes.

The holidays bring their own struggles.

They manage to be there for each other, helping each other out with gifts and decorations. They make gingerbread houses together with Hen and her son.

One night close to Christmas Buck calls, restless he says. Can’t sleep and its lonely, he feels so lonely. They’re both tired of waking up alone.

It’s 4 am and Eddie is staring at his bank accounts wondering how to pull money out of his ass.

Eddie says yes forgetting about Chris sleeping down the hall.

He improvises and packs snacks. Tucks Chris in his arms quietly and drives.

When he gets to Bucks apartment, however, the man looks beat and too drained so Eddie suggests they stay in. Buck nods slowly and points to his bed, where Eddie tucks in Chris who’s still sound asleep and curling into Buck’s pillows before Eddie can let him go.

They stay up another hour passing eggnog between them and munching on the gingerbread men Maddie had brought around. They don’t say anything, they don’t need to; the silence is comfortable.

Eventually they fall asleep; both of them curled tightly around Christopher.

It’s bliss.

~

~

It’s after new years that they get to drive again. This time Eddie drives, singing lowly under his breath and Buck joins in every few seconds. They both glance at each other at the same time and they smile, wide and loving.

And Eddie thinks he’s figured it out now, all he has to do is say what’s on his mind. Without over analyzing anything, just spit it out because if there’s ever going to be a sign its this one.

He’s about to do it when Buck’s phone buzzes and the moment breaks, Buck’s guard goes back up shoulders tensing as more beeps flood in.

Eddie’s stomach drops and he keeps his eyes on the road, not wanting to know who’s texting Buck at 2 am.

A stray shadow snakes itself up, freezing him.

~

~

One night they’re on the beach, a different beach this time.

Eddie is restless still trying to comes to terms with how his son knows he’s different from the other kids at school now. Yeah sure Buck helped out with the skateboard but still, some things run deeper and deeper still.

Eddie doesn’t know how to feel about any of it yet.

Buck watches from the jeep, eating ice cream his eyes following the pattern in the sand Eddie was making.

Eddie can feel the tears in the back of his head. Was he a good parent? Or was he just setting up his kid for repetitive failure throughout life? Why was he even a parent?

That’s when he does something epically stupid by his own standards and throws himself into the ocean letting the cold water rush over him. For once his brain stops thinking for one goddamn minute of his adult life.

When’s he done and the world doesn’t feel too heavy on his shoulders anymore he drags himself out, soaking wet and cold. Fucking cold to his bones. The cold makes its home there behind his heart.

Buck stands at the edge of the beach where the water begins and the sand ends, holding out a towel and still eating ice cream cheekily. Eddie can’t even muster up the energy to be annoyed at him, only feeling the unique warmth that comes out whenever Buck looks at him like that. It melts that ice behind his heart in a heartbeat leaving him shivering for different reasons.

Eddie takes the towel but even that’s not enough to warm him up.

“Here, I sorta planned ahead,” Buck says holding out clothes. Buck’s clothes, soft sweater and sweatpants. Eddie bites the inside of his cheek, _the I-love-you-why-how-did-you-know_ on the tip of his tongue forced down. He changes and bundles himself under the blankets that have become a permanent fixture in Buck’s jeep and lays his head in Buck’s lap.

Buck runs his fingers through his hair, scratching lightly at his scalp. Maybe this is the only thing he got right after all.

Eddie’s a little less angry at the world.

~

~

There are moments when they’re both angry and they simply sit in the parking lot of the first gas station they come to. Like after Bobby inhales fucking chemicals and neither of them can sleep, or Chris has another nightmare.

Or those idiot kids that live stream dumb pranks. Other times something reminds him of Shannon or Buck twinges his leg a little too hard and wants to saw it off.

So, they drive.

Pull into a gas station in silence the emotions they feel a little too much for each other.

“It’s just—”

“I know—”

“Fucking--”

“Exactly!”

“Fuck.”

They sip on shitty coffee from the gas station and stare out their respective windows, Eddie itches for a cigarette but Buck has made clear he’ll put up with none of that. He furrows his brows deeper and lets the anger roll off him in waves. Silence filling up the jeep.

At some point Buck will sigh and grip the stick shift too hard, knuckles turning white. Eddie will carefully put his hand over Buck’s count to ten and then pull back, the tension leaving both their bodies.

Those are the nights they fall into each other’s beds, exhausted and too weary to leave each other.

They fall into each other’s beds, arms wrapped around another.

~

~

There’s the night after Buck explains the hostage situations that had happened earlier, and they’re eating tamales and red curry because Buck wanted Mexican and Eddie wanted Indian. For some reason they halved it and hey it’s pretty good actually.

They’re too wired to do much but sit in the bed of the truck both their legs shaking.

“You know I would have probably just gone in there and demanded they hand you over,” Eddie says before his brain can stop him. “They probably would’ve given you to me.”

“Of course, have you seen yourself?” Buck smirks into his portion of curry. “I would’ve done the same, if it was you.”

Buck reaches out, pulls Eddie flushed against him. Eddie winds his arms around Bucks waist gripping at his shirt. “I would do anything to make sure you were safe and alive, you know that. Go to the ends of the earth for you.” Buck says fiercely his lips ghosting over Eddie’s neck, jaw. He tilts closer, letting Buck’s lips trace over him.

Eddie feels the tip of his ears heat up, feels blood rush elsewhere; this is new.

He just wanted a taste of whatever Buck would allow.

Something funny settles in Eddie’s chest some instinct to protect and love that had been reserved only for Chris but now (maybe it was always there) extended to Buck.

“I would do anything to get back to you, to you and Chris, anything.” He whispers just as fierce.

It comes to a head one night, and honestly Eddie should’ve expected this. He’s been dancing around his words for too long for his actions to make any other sense. Buck wants to talk but here they are driving in silence again.

Down the 405 to wherever Buck deemed fit tonight, at 4 am the world was silent for them. A bubble about to pop as the early risers began their day in a little bit. In a couple hours Abuela will drop Chris back at Eddie’s house.

More silence even as Buck sends glances his way with questions in those blue eyes.

Buck veers off the highway, his jaw set. Tonight, tonight was different Eddie could tell. It wasn’t just one of their usual drives. He screeches into the first gas station they see and parks under the sign. Eddie lets him think, lets him turn down the music playing and leans closer to him crosses his arms and rests his head on them.

Buck bites his lip, looking down his face hidden from Eddie.

“Would it really kill you if we kissed?” Buck asks looking up through his lashes. Eddie’s chest tightens as he looks at him, the cast of the gas station’s neon lights making his eyes bluer. He leans back just an inch, unsure of what he wanted to do.

Eddie looks out the window, he knows he’s stalling. Opening his mouth and closing it again. If he looks at Buck now; he’ll see Buck’s face falling, the little nod he’ll do like he’s convincing himself of something that is probably Eddie’s fault anyways.

Eddie does look at him, Buck’s face staring straight ahead. His face twists as the shadows dance around them, he looked so handsome.

“Evan—” Eddie whispers placing a finger under Buck’s chin and finally wiping the tears away off his cheeks like he’s wanted to for so long now. “Kiss me.”

He closes the gap, letting Buck pull him in tight. It’s messy and perfect, all tongue and hands on bodies as they fight to get closer to each other, beautiful and painful. Buck tilts his head back kissing the base of his throat and working his way up back to Eddie’s lips.

He lets himself fall, closes his eyes and falls deeper and deeper.

They can’t stay but they use their time to their advantage, kissing, talking, loving.

~

~

Everything changes but its still the same. Bobby gives them a knowing look a few days later; and Chris claps when Eddie tells him.

Hen and Chimney make gagging noises when Buck presses a soft kiss to Eddie’s cheek on shift but they both sweep them up into a hug after, smiling brightly.

Maddie rolls her eyes but gives them a nice bottle of wine, pulling the two of them into a hug and a ‘be safe’.

Buck cooks them dinner and laughs at Eddie’s weak jokes. Helps Christopher with homework and pulls Eddie in for kisses for no reason.

For the first time he hopes and he prays in the stillness only two am can bring.

They fall into bed together most nights and their drives dwindle down unless they both really cannot sleep, or something is eating away at them. Most nights however they slide into bed and Eddie pulls Buck close, pressing kisses to his boyfriend. He’s content with life.

Give him love like this, forever and always.

There’s no more rage in him.

~

~

It’s a few nights after the night he almost died. He can say that in his head now without his chest constricting, sending him into a spiral of panic and pain.

They’re driving because Buck had a nightmare.

Always driving.

It lulls him, the radio playing something soft.

Driving nowhere.

Beside him, Buck is wound tight with emotion, blinking back tears every so often that he swerves in the lanes a few times. Eddie sort of realizes maybe letting him drive was a bad idea. He wants to say something, almost does, opens his mouth to say something but Buck glares at him.

Buck glares at him and goes, “No Eddie, not right now.”

Eddie raises his brows, knows he’s making a face but pulls the blanket around him tighter mouthing Buck’s words back silently.

They make it to the base of the Hollywood sign when Buck swerves off the road swiftly and turns off the car, exiting in one quick motion.

Eddie sighs and gets out the car, letting Buck pace in front of him. He’d heard it from Bobby, the pain Buck had gone through when the mud caved in, the raw screams of his name. He knows how close it came to not coming back, to not going home to his family at the end of the night. He’d heard it from Hen, who simply put her hand on his shoulder and pointed to Buck. ‘You two are each other’s world, he almost lost his world Eddie.’

That’s why they were driving at 3am.

Buck spins on him walking up to him and cupping his face. He kisses him, softly, knowing. Hard and pressing, biting down on Eddie’s lip until it bleeds.

“I get why you did it, I would’ve done the same.” He says quietly. “But for one moment there I thought I’d lost you! I thought I’d have to be the one who tells Chris his dad isn’t coming home. That my family would be ripped from me too soon!” He yells. “That you’d be ripped from me too soon.”

Well Eddie can yell loud too. “I came back! I came back home and I fought and I didn’t give up. You think I want to lose this family too? No, fuck no I don’t but I did what I needed to do. I am home.”

Buck crowds his space, one hand on his waist the other in his hair. “I’m here, Buck, I’m here alive with you and with Chris. Christ, Listen, I’m here.” Eddie puts Buck hand over his chest, lets him feel his heartbeat and Buck breaks down crying. Holding onto him.

Eddie can feel himself breakdown at last in a rush of emotions that overtake him. Of all of the crimes he had made, all the mistakes and words said in anger leave him.

And they cry.

The tears leaving him too quickly, griping onto each other too tight he knows there’ll be bruises in the daytime. They can’t get close enough and through their tears they place kisses on each other. On their cheeks, foreheads, lips.

They cry and love.

Hold each other so tight.

They drive.

~

~

~

They’re at the beach bundled up in one of Buck’s old comforters, in the back of his jeep and Eddie has never felt more adored or loved at three am.

“You know California has never felt like a home to me,” he whispers pulling buck closer into his arms. Buck looks up at him brows pulled together. He cradles him, arms tight around Buck as he searches for the right words.

“Whadda mean?”

“When I first moved here I didn’t plan on staying long, and then I did,” He says quietly running his fingers through Buck’s hair. “and it always felt temporary, even after joining the LAFD and being at one-eighteen I always thought in the back of my head it’ll be okay If I have to leave.” Eddie takes in a deep breath trying to steady himself, ground himself.

“And then I got to know you, really know you. Just driving on the open road and being with you, having you here with me. California never felt like much of a home but now, now it’s the only home I want as long as you’re here with me.” Eddie says in a rush keeping his eyes trained on the beach.

The waves pull in and out languidly, in and out. He tracks them.

Buck leans up pressing his lips to Eddie’s.

Eddie smiles into him, deepening the kiss.

Warmth spread over him, filling in the hollowed-out spaces from damage done long ago. It settles into him like an old friend, heat flowing to the base of his belly. There’s a voice in the back of his mind whispering to him, this is it… this is peace.

The rage was tucked somewhere deep in the depths of his mind locked away in a box, anger dulled and sadness overturned. There was no tightness in his chest, waves of exhaustion no longer rolling off his back.

And Buck. Lord, he shone brighter, walked easier. Loved him just as fiercely and fit in like a missing puzzle piece.

Eddie pulls back out of breath; always out of breath these days dizzy and drunk from it all. Buck meets his eyes and smiles brightly.

“Race you to the water.”

“Its freezing, no.”

“Oh, so what was the last time?”

“A moment of weakness.”

“You’re so dramatic.”

They both laugh, not moving from their spots.

He hopes they continue to do this, when life gets busier and its easier to breath more days than not. That they’ll make the time to drive endlessly down the highway with music blaring and takeout tucked between them.

The sky begins to tinge purple, dark and muted with shots of orange through it and Eddie knows it’s time to get going, drive back home. They’ll both settle into bed for a few hours until Chris gets dropped back home.

Buck stays bundled in the comforter as Eddie drives away, pulling onto the highway. He reaches for him, finding his hand and laces their fingers together.

“I’m glad you’re home now,” Buck says softly squeezing his hand in his.

Eddie smiles kissing Buck’s hand.

California never felt like home to him until he had Buck with him on the road, next to him.

**Author's Note:**

> songs that inspired me were Drive by Halsey, Give Me Love by Ed Sheeran, and just a bit of Lover of Mine by 5SOS. Hope ya'll enjoyed!!
> 
> I ramble on twitter : @spiderlingheart


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